Cut out my heart Joey Gladstone (Alternate title: Joey Ungratefulstone)

I’m pissed. Last week I was perusing the “net”, and, in the midst of surfing some sweet homepages, I found Dave Coulier’s Joey Gladstone’s website! Sounds cool, right? Right. Even cooler, Joey “claimed” to love getting e-mails from fans, and, subsequently, “loves” answering ALL e-mails. So I write him an “e-mail”. Keep in mind, humor wasn’t my main intention for writing this e-mail, as I sent this a full week ago, predating this blog by like 3 days. As you’ll read in my e-mail, most of my points were in sober seriousness and demanded honest answers. Here’s the e-mail:

“Joey -
You're the shit man. No joke...You practically raised me (well you and that sweet woodchuck whose hand you had up its butt about 90 percent of the time ((the other 10 percent of the time I had a weiner up his butt, 'but' that's neither here or now))) So anyway about that double parenthetical, I just wanted to shout you (as the hip hop people say) a 'holler'. How many times a day do people ask you to Cut it out (quit it!). I won't ask. But I'm thinking it. Seriously Joey, you were the man. Uncle Jessie's best friend! Dude and that radio show! Remember when you guys jumped out of that plane on his wedding day...listen, I'm getting married next month..you thinking what I'm thinking?! I'll get the parachutes…But hey, this time, let's stay out of the trees, okay? Listen, I know uncle Jessie is probably pretty busy touring with the Rippers (Yeah right! Hes probably playing a sold out show at DJ's high school that faggot) but anyway, I was hoping maybe, since you don't have best friend anymore, maybe me and you could hit it off as BFFs. It doesnt have to be serious at first..Maybe just hanging out a little...slap around Stephanie for running your car through the fucking front door (how you didn't strangle that little bitch for pulling a move like that is really beyond me)...But in any case, you were pimp juice in that house and the rest of the Tanners were keeping you down, hardcore. Sure you might have been a freeloader. But God, Jessie raised his fucking family in their ATTIC...Talk about white trash! I'm surprised Becky went along with it but she was a floozy anyway...Seriously, did you hit that? I'm sure you did...I'll bet at least one of those twins were yours. Hey, by the way, IF (notice the if is in caps to emphasize that this proclamation is PURELY theoretical) but IF one of those little wavy haired shits was your kid, how did you restrain yourself from beating his little ass? Seriously those kids were out of fucking control. You know what I think you should have done (and if you want to take this advice, you have to give me a shout out for it) I think you should have the woodchuck beat those little shits asses and then you "technically" can't be held responsible...okay I'm babbling now like Danny Tanner with a penis pump...Hit me back Joey..a-latazzzzzz”

I can’t believe I didn’t get a response.