Man, I was sick…

I wrote this article when there was something seriously wrong with my brain. Man, I must have been such a perv – a super perv! – to come up with all these gross categories and ideas. But maybe you’ll either laugh with me, or at me, or both? In any case, this article is the first article I ever posted on Collegehumor (barring the AIM article, but that wasn’t on the front page, holla now!). Regardless, peep this, then peep some…porn?

My Hobby is Getting Boners: A Dissertation on Internet Porn

I’m not going to lie to you; you’re reading an essay written by a dude who loves getting boners. Pitching tents in my pants is as fun as running naked through a Jenny Craig convention covered in chocolate pudding. And because I’m the type of guy who waits ardently for my roommate to leave for class so I can drop my draws and mine that white gold, I figured I’d throw out some pointers (pun intended) for those looking at Internet porn.

-REMEMBER: When you’re perusing through those free site vixens, you’re Fabio! Now, in real life, the dic-tator between my legs has a skewed perception of beauty, as I often find myself shopping around simply for a penis receptacle. But fellas, this is not the case when you’re surfing the erection super highway. As opposed to real women, once you see a chick naked on the net, they won’t expect a friggin’ a ring on their finger, or even worse: a conversation (AHH!)! Getting rid of broads on the Internet is just a point and click away. If a chick’s hair is too short: “X”, if one nipple is bigger then the other: “X”, if her face is dripping with some love mayonnaise: “X”; it’s as easy as that!

-BEWARE OF MULLIGANS: A mulligan is when the tiny thumbnail of a chick looks decent enough so you click on it, only to find you’ve blown up a heinous beast. I would compare the folly of a mulligan to rubbing a magic lamp expecting a big, blue wisecracking genie to pop out; but instead to your dismay Mr. T climbing out up and posting up in your grill, strapping your wanker to the fender of the A-Team van, then high tailing it in fifth gear (ouch!) with Merdock sitting shot gun, laughing his old-man ass off.

-BE PREPARED: When the opportunity arises for your whopper to get out for some fresh air and a little R n R, you better have the tools of the trade ready for deployment. Any amateur knows Vaseline and tissues are a must, but I’m going to approach the game with some new added flava. Scavenger your dorm for everyday skin and hair care products such as: Luberderm, hair conditioner (Pert Plus is recommended), and styling gel. These items are definitely going to make your PC self-love fest wacky (literally!). Don’t get too creative though, one experiment with toothpaste had me walking around with a shriveled red member for a week!

Well I hope these tips help and you find yourselves chopping away to the beat of a different beater (does that even make sense?)!

Hey, maybe I’ll get some fan mail from a group of 12-year olds who think copious allusions to erect penises’ are funny!