Apply Within

Man, sometimes the articles I write have a glimmer of my true sentiments in them. For example, the last Collegehumor article I wrote about the 7^th grade party…I sorta want someone to throw one. Seriously. As for this article, this is an old one I wrote when me, Timps, and the Harm were looking for lackeys. Even though I’m not in college anymore, I still sorta want a lackey like a sorta want a puppy. In any case, pass this article on to a high school senior…

Take the Lack Out of Lackey

This post goes out to a special group of college students. A collegiate ilk dealing with more shit than your grandfather’s Depends. This post is for the faceless throng that is perennially pissed on (voluntarily). For the class producing those nameless hussies that put the ‘Pussy’ in your friend Chuck’s moniker: ‘Chuck the Pussy Smasher.’ Yup, that’s right freshmen; this one goes out to you!

Whoa! that obnoxious Paperclip from Word just pointed out a typo in the above paragraph. First year students aren’t freshmen…You’re fresh fish! And no, I’m not referring to quirky singing fish like in Disney’s Little Mermaid. No, you’re like the fish that live in maximum security prisons. Similar to life in the slammer there’s a limit set on the number of rights you have. That number is, of course, set at zero.

I know the past few days must have been a monster reality check for you fish. How :'( were you when finding the fallaciousness in movies like Slackers and Van Wilder? Much to your chagrin college is not in an around the clock outlandish bender. Sadly, getting laid is not a bihourly occurrence. And geeks are not really ostracized. Well, ok, geeks DO get strung up by their underwear and shoved in lockers, but the other stuff alas doesn’t happen.

Unfortunately, a lot of the provisions you thought you’d rely so heavily upon now seem superlative. An example for the guys would be condoms; for the girls this would be underwear. Posters you thought were going to be cool aren’t. Regrettably, you’re relying more on the IUPAC periodic table of the elements than your “Table of Mixology” poster. But before you curse the day that the atomic weight of Beryllium has superceded the ingredients to a “Blushin’ Russian,” hear me out.

There is a certain “provision” you can make to have your bad luck vanish like sketchy frat guys with passed out chicks. The secret to fish survival is to become an upperclassmen’s lackey. The bad news is “lackey” is a euphemism for “bitch”. The good news is you’ll start fitting in like Britney Spears at a chubby convention.

Admittedly some fish are more genetically predisposed to being lackeys than others. For instance, Asian fish can automatically be dubbed “Data” and can use hilarious one-liners like, “No time for love Dr. Jones!” to deter their inebriated upperclassman mentor when he’s considering slummin’ with a plus-size battle cow.

For the ladies, I’m not totally sure what being a female lackey entails. I would assume that you’ll be referred to a lot as “you little bitch” and told to do really degrading things like make out with hideously ugly guys; which isn’t much different than what you’re doing anyway.

In conclusion, consider being someone’s lackey. True, it probably won’t be worth the price of your dignity. And true, it might ruin your life. But think about this: if you don’t, who’s going to drop their pants in the quad for my sadistic enjoyment?