The Agreement

Josh made a valid point concerning the sappyness of my made-for-Lifetime TV post about marriage. To be fair, that was an essay I wrote in a creative writing class for a profess who wasn’t down with misogyny. I’m not really down with misogyny either, but I feel like whenever it comes to relationships, guys either have to slay women with their penises or act like whimpering wankstas that sniff girls butts and cry (known more formally as “being emo”). Well, to counterbalance my pseudo-sapdom, I’m going to post an idea I had for an agreement all couples should sign before going away to college. If anyone actually has his/her boyfriend/girlfriend/genital receptacle sign this, scan it and send it and I’ll post on my blog.com.

If this article was a TV sitcom, and I said “long distance relationships work”, a guffaw of canned laugher would erupt. Long distance relationships, like kids with ADD, are destined to fail. The long distance dialectic is particularly relevant as summer winds down and college students gear up for another year of loose and inconsequential sexual liaisons.

Maybe I was a bit harsh in that opening paragraph. I admit, staying with the person you’re with now has its pros, and breaking up definitely involves condoms; therefore, I plan to outline how you can have your cake and eat hypothetical genitals, too!

First, let me make it clear that I’m not going to give you crappy “Granny advice” like, “Thwart your partner’s hormones by sending them off with a surprise gift!” Take it from a guy who’s tried surprising his girlfriend with everything from flowers to positive pregnancy tests*; it doesn’t work.

If it came as a shock to you that I have a girlfriend, just imagine how the babes I hooked up with at college felt! Nevertheless, it’s true; I’ve had the same girlfriend (holla Nicole!) for the past 4 years. That pretty much means I have a proverbial PhD in “How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work”; or as I like to call it, “Sorta Cheat on your Significant Other without Feeling Guilty”; or as you will like to call it, “The Agreement”.

It’s simple**! Follow carefully the directions below and you’ll have the permission slip that puts the AID in GETTIN’ LAID. Ow! Essentially, this is the college student’s Magna Carta for getting ass.

Directions:

1.) Cut out along dotted lines

2.) Fill in blanks like you used to do with Mad Lips

3.) Have soon-to-be estranged partner sign at bottom

4.) Sex, sex, sexy sex!

THE AGREEMENT

I, (significant other’s name), hereby grant permission to (your name, or what significant other thinks is your name***) to embark upon whatever sexual exploits he/she deems appropriate during the 2005-06 academic school year. Due to the distance between our respective universities, I understand that celibacy is futile and sexual mores will erode to slutdom; therefore, by openly consenting to a mutual hiatus for sex-capades, I hope to eliminate any pangs of guilt either party may experience after a night of Dionysian ecstasy. I further agree that by referencing a Greek god in the last sentence, the author was making an obvious ploy to appear smarter than he really is in a dismal attempt to cash in on some single babes that this agreement aims to emancipate. In the event (your name again) should hook up with a monster and/or beast matching a description found in any R.L. Stein Goosebumps young adult novel omitting (write in favorite Goosebumps characters; author’s suggestions: Carly Beth in The Haunted Mask and everyone in Monster Blood II) this contract will be voided, and the right to claim he/she has a small/smelly private part will be reserved. Failure to conform to all the tenets of this contract will result in me sitting by the phone Friday nights as my partner cheats on me, regardless.

Signed,

.

** WARNING: Administering The Agreement to significant other may lead to fits of crying and hysterics in girls and certain effeminate dudes. If this should happen, it is recommended you make like mascara and run.

*** Note to Nicole: This article was really written by Abraham Rosenblatt, but only you and I know that.