Another rerun...

So sleepy. Here’s an article I wrote a while ago. (Because who doesn't loves satire and sarcasm!?!)

Stupidity Threat Level Raised in Anticipation of Weekend

As the days until the weekend draw closer a campus wide alert has been issued, raising the stupidity threat level from yellow (sorta stupid) to red (severe chromosome imbalance stupid). Shenanigans associated with the two day hiatus implemented the caveat, and extreme measures are being taken to protect students from possible onslaughts of idiocy. Experts fear that Wednesday night�s fatuous behavioral exhibition was a mere foreboding to the asinine demeanor that will ensue during the upcoming weekend.

Reports from sources, which are considered to be extremely reliable, have indicated a recent increase in suspicious activity in and around dorms and frat houses. Activities reported include: smuggling cases of Busch light past RA offices, persona non-grata guests penetrating campus borders, and even the possible constructing of items of mass consumption. Suspected in conjunction with the weekend participants, Handy Andy’s Bodega and Beverage Barn are thought to be harboring supplies that would facilitate a breach of serenity.

The possibility of a stupidity attack on multiple fronts is also a major concern amongst authorities. The Friday night late mall closing could possibly conscript sympathizers to the stupidity cause, thus recruiting an incursion of high school mall punks looking to exhibit their stupid hair and stupid clothing around campus, hence adding to the stupidity.

The possible infrastructures targeted during the weekend are not known, but water supplies and granaries seem to be at higher risk. Be extremely cautious when drinking from a water fountain or using a vending machine; for these sectors have been the destruction objectives of past stupidity assaults.

Measures are being taken to deter actions implying severe mental retardation. Campus security, with boned up forces for the weekend, are looking to set up checkpoints at prime locations. By flanking the frat houses, and cutting off any entrance into this crucial area, security believes they will demobilize a vital party position.

By controlling this sector, authorities specifically hope to inhibit freshmen participation in weekend festivities. This is a decisive strategy in the war on stupidity because freshmen have proven to be the most desperate zealots of the weekend cause, taking it upon themselves to carryout the most distraught missions in the name of Coors Light.

In preparation for the weekend, stocking up on items such as digital cameras to capture the Neanderthal-like conduct for blackmail or levity purposes is strongly advised. Stashing sharpie markers, which can be used to draw handlebar mustaches and goatees on comatose drunkards, is also recommended.

In spite of the stupidity threat level elevation, students are sill encouraged to go about their normal, everyday partying during the weekend. Although do keep a watchful eye out for suspicious and unusual behaviors and individuals. Big fat party animals, dudes who are looking for ‘stomach pumping fun’ and buxom young women seeking an impaired mate should all be met with apprehension. It is every student’s responsibility to minimize stupidity activities. For the diminishment of stupidity is fundamental in the preservation of sovereignty. In other words: “don’t be an ass”.