I Hate Babies

Dudes…thanks for the comments. I plan to formally address them all in my next post as well as recall a pretty sweet story involving a pudding wrestling party I went to in college (complete with sex, shenanigans, and hilarity). For now though I really want to make sure to keep this blog updated every few days, so I figured I’d throw this article up. I wrote this one about hating babies. Pretty standard. I’m not sure if this article even makes sense (as I was VERY angry when I was writing it because I really do fucking hate babies); in any case, I’m about 90 percent done with this paper on sonnets, it’s 1 o’clock in the morning, I have black circles under my eyes, this paper is due at 6:30 pm tomorrow. If you were me would you care?

Let me reword that title: I HATE babies. People claim babies come from a stork and I vehemently disagree; babies look like they stepped right out of Middle Earth. Humongous heads! Little bodies! How the fuck can anyone think a baby is “cute?” Babies stink, both figuratively and literally. If you don’t already agree that babies are creepy critters, this essay will surely make you card-carrying member of the Baby-Hater Club.

My baby hating began a few years back, when I took a second to stop being a bitter jerk, to be an even bigger bitter jerk, thus allowing me to realize babies are really ugly mammals. Let me reword that: UGLY-ASS mammals. Surprisingly, voicing this vehement affirmation turned indignant matrons wild, as I usually found myself on the wrong end of some flailing female fisticuffs.

To this day I haven't let this stop me as I feel personally compelled to deliver my infantile diatribes whenever possible, and, of course, critical flak is always sure to accumulate. Sucky people (who were probably extra ugly babies) are quick to point out I was once a baby. To which I respond, yes, I acknowledge that, at one time, I was, in fact, a baby, and subsequently hate myself for it.

Next, critics and “haters” alike question how I ever intend to become a father with such a fervent hatred of babies. If by father, they’re referring to someone with a baby, I’ll pass. I’ll get a hobby instead.

Think about how time consuming a baby is. You have to do everything for a baby while they just lay around and cry. I tried that over winter break and my parents made me get a job. Speaking of getting a job, that brings me to another gripe I have with babies. Babies can’t hold jobs; they can’t even hold in a burp. A puppy is more self sufficient than a baby (and puppies can do cool tricks, babies cannot do A trick, let alone a cool trick).

What has a baby done for you lately, anyway? Babies won’t hold doors for you, buy you drinks at the bar, or even have a conversation with you. What nerve! Babies sit around, soil themselves, and eat baby-food (Sidenote: Baby-food is repulsive, the fact babies eat baby-food is reason enough to loath them). Oh, and if you answered “all babies have to do is look cute” read the next paragraph.

Babies are not cute. They’re not even “Seth Green cute”. They’re hideous. Already I’ve pointed out their huge noggins and dwarf bodies, but, did you also know, babies wear diapers? Is a diaper cute? Diapers aren’t so cute when strapped on your grandparents, so why would it be cute on a baby? Babies look like something out of a science fiction movie; better yet, a horror movie.

To sum it up, babies are appalling. I abhor people that dress babies up in “wacky” outfits, like tuxedos or leather jackets. Movies featuring talking babies are sick. And if you thought that video on the internet of the CGI animated baby dancing to classic rock was funny, reevaluate your existence.

In conclusion, because babies can’t beat the first level of Super Mario Brothers, play the guitar, or even go to community college, they should be boycotted. I know Valentines Day is a great excuse for guys to give their girlfriends a surprise gift of a baby, but please, for the good of humanity, resist. If we as a global community strike against the evil baby empire, we may put some mutagenic pressure on fetuses to evolve into a more symbiotic organism, benefiting all and preserving my mental health.

Babies suck and San-Dimas High School Football Rules!