More old CH articles

Here’s another article I wrote for Collegehumor that is no longer in their archives. It’s funny (and scary) how I wrote this when I was a junior in college and it's still relevant today….

Dudes, we should totally send Zack Morris to Iraq

This war is about as cool as detention with Mr. Belding but with Zack's help he’ll turn that sand pit around and have Iraq bumping like the Max during a KKTY Bayside radio fundraiser!

Reasons why Zack should be sent to Iraq:

Advanced Military Logistics – When Zack was forced by Mr. Belding (what a prick) to join ROTC; cadet Morris met the challenge by beating the pants off the “jocks” in a physical competition, despite the fact he was on a team of complete nerds (i.e. Screech). Zack accomplished this by boasting the teams’ morale and decisive strategizing.

Superior Intelligence – Um, we’re talking about a guy who got a 1502 on the SATs, which beat the pants off of Jessie Spano and her weak 1200. (Side note: Jessie was a pill popping hussy. Had she lain off the sauce maybe she would’ve made it the College Years.)

Psychological Warfare – When looking to snare Kelly as his date in an upcoming Bayside pageant, Zack employed the tactical method of subliminal messaging; infecting Bayside with a serious case of “Zack Fever”.

Athletic Prowess – Two words: “Running Zack”.

Technologically Advanced – His cell phone could launch Patriot Missiles while answering calls to his 900 number advice line.

Reinforcements – Zack Attack wasn’t just a band, folks. And “Friends Forever” wasn’t just a hit single; it was a way of life.

In conclusion, let the facts speak for themselves. Zack is the kind of guy who can walk into a suck-a-mongus situation and leave it sparkling. Look at what he did for the Malibu Sand Beach Club! Even with a feces-eating boss like Mr. Carosi up in Zack’s grill, he STILL turned that bozac beach club into a summer hotspot. Just imagine what he could do for Iraq?!?! Imagine the hilarity, which would ensue as he confronts Sadam!!! I smell detention!! The only way to find out is to DEPLOY CADET MORRIS!!!!

Oh, and on a related note, check out this link. I love it. See how many times you can let it play before it freaks you out. My record is 26 times.