On the Genealogy of IM

Real quick: I wanted to get in a post before going to bed. I had an awful day at work, my “fun” screenwriting class was cancelled, then T-Bone bailed on evening drinks. Horrible, horrible, horrible. In any case, I was working on some short fiction and didn’t get a chance to write any new material for this blog. So I thought I’d post an essay I wrote a while ago about AIM. Keep in mind, when I wrote this (4 years ago!), AIM jokes were still funny, whereas now I think they’ve run their course. You make the call....

There is a plague spreading to college campuses all across the country. No it's not some new whore infested STD - it's the AIM outbreak. In case you've been living in a garbage can for the past few years, AIM stands for America-On Line Instant Messenger. It sounds playful enough, maybe even patriotic, but make no mistake: it will ruin your life. I am writing this article to educate us all on the possible warning signs, some of the more severe cases, and what can be done to save a close one or even yourself from the mouth of this ravenous beast.

The basic symptoms of this communiqué malady range from annoying letter abbreviations of common catch phrases, and prolonged periods of time thinking up witty "away messages", all the way to attempting to express one's innermost sentiments with smiley faces and a sudden loss of acquaintances and close friends due to on-line debacles. Yes, this apparently harmless "service" can be that devastating. All you naysayers out there, here me out.

The primary stages of instant messenger fever begin with the dreaded "LOL". This abbreviation for "laughing out loud", used in context to convey hilarity, doesn't even make sense. Tell me, how else does someone laugh but out loud? Could I find myself "LIS"ing (laughing in silence)? Forgive me for trying to turn the Instant Messenger into a philosophical enigma, because that it is not. I dare say it is the beginning of a globally warped sense of reality.

From my own observations, I've found that this suspension of reality, serves as a gateway to other, more serious textual abbreviations. One day you'll be innocently "LOL"ing, only to find yourself suddenly expressing affection with a nonsensical series of numbers (i.e. 143). Next, you'll be using a more potent, vulgar form of "LOL": the infamous "LMAO". You might even begin to invent your own spellings of words, changing "cool" to the obnoxious "kewl" or "okay" to the lazy man's "k". Keep this strenuous, ever-changing lifestyle up, and eventually you'll find yourself face down in a gutter, absent-mindedly typing "WTF".

The next warning sign that you've been infected is when you begin to invest countless hours crafting the always-elusive perfect away message. Admittedly, there is a lot at stake in terms of away messages. It will be read numerous times over by an incalculable amount of people. But regardless of how many people you don't know are checking your away messages, this is no excuse to let this inane brainstorming inhibit your daily agenda.

Types of away messages usually differ from person to person: some people go for a favorite movie or music quote, while others take a more informative approach such as, "At the library, getting my study on". Some people even go for absolutely ridiculous and outrageous scenarios like: "Getting molested by aliens, leave one". While the types of away messages may vary depending on personality, one thing remains constant: away messages cannot run your life.

As instant message users spiral downward as a result of this sickness, they soon might find themselves relying on a gang of no-good hoodlums to communicate their emotions. This "dirty dozen" I speak of are the band of circle-faced smilies that appear to be taking over the world. These smug punks have a face for your every mood. The old-school versions of being happy :-) or giving a wink ;-) just don't compensate any more. If you're feeling debonair maybe the guy wearing the sunglasses fits your fancy; a wacky mood deserves none other than the dude with his tongue flaying out like Gene Simmons. And as for the screaming face, look out! Someone is pissed!

Now I'm not trying to preach from the proverbial soapbox. I'll admit that I've been known to use my fair share of smiley faces - all I suggest is that we all show some restraint. An indicator that you've gone to smiley hell is when you're engaged in verbal conversation, away from the wretched Instant Messenger, and you attempt to contort your own face to match that of an online smiley face. I'll never forget the extreme (though real) example of a AIM user we'll refer to as "Larry", who took his smiley face obsession too far. “Larry” was conversing with some friends in McDonalds, when he said something rather mean-spirited about another student who, unbeknownst to Larry, was sitting right behind him. Upon realizing his folly, Larry actually removed his own shoe and stuck it in his mouth. It's a sickness, folks.

In the final stages of this heinous disease, Instant Messenger altercations are inevitable. As friends and family plead with you to abandon your online chat quirks, they actually just fuel your temper and pump up your online muscles. In an outraged fit of finger-flying frenzy, the gloves come off, and sensitivity for other's feelings are cast aside. No restraints exist as each IM noise echoes like a bell in a boxing match, ringing to mark the beginning of another gut wrenching round. Tirelessly typing in hopes of backing your nemesis into the checkmate of signing off, possibly increasing your warning level, or ultimately blocking your screen name. Which friend is at fault, which person should shoulder the blame, is not important. Getting help is.

Sadly, at this point though, there is nothing anyone can do for this online junkie but silently watch as their hopes and dreams go down in a fit of typo gibberish. Despite steady research, computer scientists and psychologists from around the world haven't figured out how to reverse the trend when people become this detached from reality. The Instant Messenger epidemic is no "j/k" matter; it's been the downfall of many college students and has severed myriad relationships.

All I ask is that you don't look the other way when you see someone break into convulsions and start foaming at the mouth when the dreaded "you're connection has been lost" window pops up. This is a serious modern day predicament that must be addressed, not “LOL”ed at and cast aside. I'm not telling you to stop chatting it up, but please make sure you and your loved ones do it responsibly. After all, TDNCWGC (technology does not come without great cost).