Return to Hulkdom

After criticizing someone else’s blog for too many wrestling references, I figured the most hypocritical thing I could possibly do is post my dissertation on wrestling! Here’s an article on Hulk I wrote a while ago. It’s 11:30 on a Friday and I’m going to bed. Sad? Hulk would not be proud…

Children are screwed up! As I aimlessly meandered through my local mall last week, I observed the deplorable role models children are growing up with these days. Eyesores like Sponge Bob Anal Probe, or that little geek Harry Potter are the probable reasons for this modern day predicament of today’s youth. These lackluster excuses for positive icons are a constant reminder to how blessed our generation was to have a personality like Hulk Hogan to grow up with.

Better known as “The Hulkster”, he emerged from the era of the 80s, a period that spawned so many affirmative paradigms. Who could forget Pee Wee Herman, the endearing sex offender with his own Saturday morning cartoon show? Or He-Man: Masters of the Universe, a cartoon that provided children with the archetype for a male chauvinist mentality at such a young age. All though, pale in comparison to the prestige that was “Hulk-a-mania”.

The “Hulk-a-mania” trend, easily discernable by its flamboyant yellow and red colors, swept Americans off their feet then body slammed them for the count. The Hulkster with his wild and lovable antics left children mesmerized. The shirt tearing, trash-talking fury of Hulk Hogan stole the hearts of little boys and girls everywhere. To many this bellwether of the late twentieth century served not only as an idol, but as a psuedo-father figure as well.

The “Hulk-a-mania” life style that Hogan exemplified has received some gratuitous flak over the years and needs clarification. Hogan not only led, what some seem to believe is, a barbaric existence of grabbing other sweaty men in tights; but he also had a more sophisticated side which included hanging out with chicks in bikinis and perusing a music career with his “Wrestling Boots Band”.

While his stint as a musician never truly received the accolades it deserved, the themes his songs suggest manifest the positive ideals that Hulk put forth for his stable of young fans. I would highly recommend downloading Hulk’s musical masterpieces such as “Hulkster in Heaven”, “Hulkster in the House (Check Him Out, Check Him Out)”, and cult-classic “Beach Patrol”; all of which embody Hulks’ underlining theme of “Eat your vitamins and say your prayers”. Lyrics like “When the going gets rough, the rough get tough” personify in melodic ecstasy his devotion to his fans, and setting the example for youngsters: “Get tough!”

Unfortunately, time has caught up with Hulk. As his career slowly spiraled downward beginning with his movie debut in “Mr. Nanny”, then a failed UPN series “Thunder In Paradise”, with the eventual creation of a new Hulk persona known as “Hollywood Hogan”. This new “Hollywood Hogan” personality is mere shadow the old Hulk, and his sagging man breasts along with his flabby physique are a testament to how a decade of the fast paced “Hulk-a-mania” lifestyle have impinged on Hogan.

Regardless of how Hulk intends to live out his now dismal existence, it should not hinder his prior contribution to society. As Hulkster connoisseur my BFF Daniel J. McGrath phrased it: “When you see Hollywood Hogan, please don't think about how desperate and pathetic Hulk Hogan has become. Instead, remember the good times you shared with Hulk: body-slamming Andre the Giant, his epic battle with the Ultimate Warrior, and jamming out on the bass on his album: “Hulk Rules”".

The low academic standard, social conflicts, and inability to conquer even the simple task of “looking cute” are all present day quandaries that plague America's children. Parents, educators, and sociologists perplexed by these problems, scramble to find the answers so their children will not grow up worthless. The problem though does not lay within the children themselves, but rather the lack of Hulk in society.

In conclusion, obviously it will be eons before a bench pressing, bicep curling vanguard of Hulk Hogan’s’ caliber will return to grace civilization, but there are possible alternatives which can still salvage Americas children. For example, we could clone the Hulkster repeatedly, so Hulk Hogan could directly raise America’s children. If that would be too costly, the government could simply require fathers to spend four hours a day lifting weights and when “disciplining” their children they could frenziedly tear off their shirts in trademark Hulk fashion.

Getting children guidance must be our chief concern. For if this problem persists we, as a country, may be exposed to more sonic abortions similar to P.O.D.’s wretched commentary on adolescent society: “Youth of the Nation”. I Personally, refuse to bring a child into a Hulk-a-manialess world. There will be no Bobberous juniors propagating the earth until Hulk Hogan puts horrific contemporary ideals down for the count.

Also this rant inspired my self-reflective memoir you can read here:

http://www.pikerpress.com/article.cfm?form.id=1551