The Perks of being an Asshole

So today I was contemplating my “writing career”, and, particularly, my stint as a satirical writer (what I like to term my “bitter little geek writing”). What I came to realize is, when writing these types of articles, I have no allegiance. In fact, when I penned my infamous column “My Atrocious Opinion” in my college newspaper, I'd intentionally write one week about how awesome it was being drunk all the time (COLLEGE!!!) then, the next week, I'd write an article condemning drinking. Well, here’s an article that posits the latter. If you guys find this funny, I’ll throw up some of the hate mail I received in response to this. (Which is about 23912083102983019 times funnier!)

OkSOBERfest, OK by This Guy

The week of “OkSOBERfest” came and went, and most college students paid about as much attention to it as an informative seminar on the risks of unprotected sex. The thought of being “OkSOBER” for some isn’t even an option. The pursuit of 24-7 drunkenness and personifying the Hollywood portrayal of the “college dude” is for a select few, an everyday struggle where extreme sacrifices are to be made. Sacrifices, which include suspending academic success, physical wellness and personal pride to keep up the laborious claim: “I’m majoring in beer, and minoring in parties!”

The origin of this idealistic lifestyle is traceable to a genre of poorly written and directed movies depicting college in a ridiculous and outlandish fashion. Movies like Animal House, Slackers, and Van Wilder to name just a few, are propagandas films that fool high schoolers into thinking college is a out of control bacchanal where geeks are ostracized, getting “laid” is a bihourly occurrence, and inebriation is a given. For most people though, the epiphany that college is an institution of furthering academic study occurs within the first few weeks, for others it may take a couple months, and for a minority it never dawns on them. The latter are the walking abominations I plan on writing this seething dissertation about.

I know that college life is a stressful environment and we all need to wild out sometimes. Hence, it’s not the social drinker I’m out to blast; it’s the idiot who thinks he’s Van Wilder. The guy who’s going to wake up in a pool of his own vomit and exclaim: “How awesome was it last night when I peed/pooped my pants and completely embarrassed myself!!! Can’t wait to do it again tonight!!!” There are some flagrant warning signs when a person is headed down the road to this pathetic existence, such as: a profusion of uproarious alcohol-promoting posters, trite catch phrases esteeming beer as a pious entity, and the endless desire to get fall-down drunk at every bar within a 30 mile radius of campus.

First, if I see another poster of John Beluschi slugging Jack Daniels with a college sweater on, I’m going to flip my lid. I put a request in to Res Life that while conducting safety inspections to include searching rooms for Animal House posters. In my opinion there should be a limit set on the number of Animal House posters per room. This limit would, of course, be set at zero. The “Table of Mixology” is another repugnance that’s got to go. And on a side note what ever happened to the actual IUPAC periodic table of the elements. When did that one go out of style? I’d rather know the atomic weight of Beryllium then the ingredients to a “Blushin’ Russian” any day.

Possibly the only thing worse then posters venerating alcohol, are the phrases I hear out the mouths of some people. I caught up with an anonymous “college dude”, and the verbal discourse I caught in between gulps from a beer helmet almost sent me into a tizzy.

First, he broke down college into an easy to follow logic equation: “Parents equal rules, college equals no parents, no parents equal no rules, therefore no rules equal me drunk all the time!” Before I could even scoff at this twaddle, he added, “In all honesty, I love college. It’s just too bad the classes get in the way; well they’re good for catching up on my sleep!” Our interview was then curtailed though, because he was scheduled to be lying face down in a gutter in less than an hour.

In all honesty, changing the way people think is hard; and drunken hobos almost impossible. I’m not kidding myself actually thinking that anyone who I’m writing this article about is actually going to read it. The only way they’d ever even pick up a student newspaper is if “Beer is life” was copied and pasted across the front cover.

But if some random freshmen who’s taking a dump and needs something to read happens to stumble across this editorial and it gives them some guidance to choose the higher path of not becoming a scalawag lush, then this article would be a success. The fact that “OkSOBERfest” had these same ideals is why I’m a showing them some love.

In conclusion, I’m not proposing that people shouldn’t go out and have a good time, for at this school that would border on blasphemy, but don’t be the jerk who drinks mommy and daddy’s money down the over-flowing toilet at the local dive. If you’re drinking on a Tuesday, strictly because it’s a Tuesday, go to a meeting instead of waking me up screaming, “I’m sooooo wasted, I can’t remember my own name!” in the Horseshoe at 2 AM.

I am well aware I probably come off as a bitter little nerd with my own editorial column, which sadly is a reality I’ve come to face. But at least I keep my feces out of my pants (in public anyways). Be responsible, and don’t become a “College Dude”.