Why did the homeless man cross the road…

Interesting week. It was uneventful at work, and, as my classes wrap up, I find myself anxiously awaiting a summer of writing irreverent trash in this blog. Oh, speaking of irreverent trash, I have a story about a homeless person I want to share.

Okay, so the other day I’m walking down Eight Avenue toward the subway. And get this: a homeless person is walking in front of me. How did I know he was homeless? I’ll list my reasons in alphabetical order:

1.) mumbling angrily to himself

2.) pushing all his belongings on a little cart

3.) stunk like a mix of rubbing alcohol, old person, and poop of the feces kind (as a corny dad might say, “stunk to high heavens”)

4.) wearing a flannel shirt

I know a lot of you out there are probably thinking to yourself, “What a presumptuous jerk! Stop stereotyping! Those characteristics don’t necessarily mean he’s homeless!” And, I would agree with you that, yes, it could have also been:

1.) a deadbeat dad

2.) a urban lumberjack (oxymoron?)

3.) Kevin Federline

But I knew he was homeless because he was lacking one key item: his dignity. Yup! That’s right! Here’s the “Batter my heart three-personed blog”’s litmus test for figuring out whether someone is homeless or not. Look at them and decide whether they have their dignity. If not, they’re homeless. Sure, they may have money, non-stinking clothes, and a home now. But just wait. That’ll change. Soon your friend who is more than happy to let everyone laugh at him will be your friend who’s more than happy begging for your loose change.

Alright, enough of the expository foreplay. Let’s get to the story. So, this guy is trucking along the busy sidewalks of NYC. He’s walking dejectedly, dragging his cart behind him. His cart proclaimed all the trappings of bum-life: a crusty blanket, a hodgepodge of worthless paper, and, of course, the obligatory cardboard box.

But the cardboard box was not in good shape. This was a cardboard box that had seen better days. The flaps were hanging loosely; the cardboard was stained, damp, and soiled. Then, as the cart hit a bump, I watched a flap dislodge itself and land on the sidewalk. I watched in horror as the rush hour pedestrians tramped upon the bum’s box’s cardboard flap.

Now, here lied my dilemma. Part of me wanted to grab Homeless Man and alert him of his loss. If I were moving my house, and the back wall crumpled, I’d want someone to give me a heads up. But, on the other hand, I didn’t want to be a dickhead. So, instead, I said nothing then wrote about it in a dickhead manner in my blog. It reminds me of another time when I faced a similar situation during a “food drive.” Here’s how I recorded it in my “saved away messages”:

Auto response from Bobberous: AIM community, gimme an honest opinion...i took some pop corn from a homeless food drive, i poped it, and i ate it. I know you're first reason is totally "OMG, you ASSHOLE those people are HOMLESS" but think about it. Homeless people don't have microwaves. God, they don't even have their dignity. If some do gooder asshat handed them a package of popcorn that would be completely patronizing. Hence, I'm doing the homeless a favor...leave your opinion or i'll cut you

No, seriously, leave your opinion or you’re gonna get cut.