I have to know who this hippy who rides his bike around my town is

I’ve noticed him around. With his vagrant’s clothing and wiry beard. I think I’ve seen stink lines emanating from his person, like a smelly cartoon character. He pedals around his Schwinn with a huge, idiot’s smile on his face as if he’s not practically homeless. He’s the hippy bike rider whose identity I must discern.

I see him at strange hours. Sometimes when I’m driving to work in the morning (around 7:30 am) I see him wheeling out in the middle of the street, arms spread with palms up like he’s praising Jesus or getting ready to take flight. Sometimes I see him when I run at night (around 11pm), standing up on the bike and furiously pumping down a quiet suburban street. Even when I only catch a quick glimpse of his flannel-clad back, I know he’s smiling – can practically taste it.

Actually, that’s disgusting. I don’t know what a smile would taste like, let alone his smile, but I have to assume his would be something like a moldy turkey sandwich sprinkled with the dregs of an ashtray.

Another thing. He wears these sunglasses. Like the little round ones John Lennon wore. On him, they’re an absurdity. I honestly wonder if he’s ever had sex in his life. Maybe some hippy bitch (a hipette?). I wonder what sounds he makes when (and if) he’s boning this hipette. Do you think it’s like the normal references to the Almighty, like “God, oh God, yes, yes, God YES.” I sorta don’t. I think it’s more like something utterly ridiculous, like he signs Bob Seger tunes. Night Moves would be my pick. I would NOT pick Against the Wind. Maybe MAYBE something by Thin Lizzy. Not anything by Kiss.

I’m going for a run which means I'm going to hunt this hippy anomaly.