If you don’t like drunk people; dtop reading now!

WARNING: (Super drunk post) Okay, I’m not super drunk but I’m drunk enough that I can’t write more than 3 words without backspacing. Sorry I’ve been neglecting this blog; but that sorry only extends to hardcore people who peep this blog regularly like Josh or beautiful Italian girls who, well, hopefully still read my mindless rants. Regardless tonight was interesting.

At first, I was just going to stay in and finish The Awakening (I know, my life is pathetically eventful (double parenthesis: that was sarcasm)) but then The Little Guy popped by, and we started bullshitting in my backyard. Well, one thing lead to another, and before I knew it, I was convinced I needed a night on the town, and, subsequently, a night of rip-roaring drunk escapades.

So, at around 9, I get in the shower, get dressed, and go to a friend’s graduation party. What you have to understand about this friend is she has one of the most beautiful sisters in the history of people. Literally, I checked; this girl’s sister is among the hottest EVER. (Ever!)

Needless to say, I’ve had a crush on this super babe since the ‘80s (I think the exact year is 1986, but don’t quote me on that). Well, I only get to see this girl like once every leap year (I think super hot people only grace the public with their absurdly hot appearances like once every few years). In any case, I’m not letting this night slip away without making some serious headway on punching in my time card for momentous verbal foreplay.

By the time she sat down at the table where I was chilling with a few peeps (The Little Guy being the only person I knew well) I knew I had to make power moves. So she sits down and I open with my gamut, saying (verbatim) “OMG, D it’s been like the ‘80s since I last saw you.” Admittedly this line lacks hilarity and/or originality (since, of course, I already used it in the last paragraph). Well Sister’s sentiments seemed to coincide with this criticism as she curtly replied, “Ha! Yeah, what are you? Like 10?” (Keep in mind, I am only 23 while hot sister is (I believe) 25.)

Shrugging off this auspiciousless remark, I begin asking about what she’s “doing”. The best thing to ask absurdly good looking girls is about themselves. She was no exception. Immediately she launched into her recent adventures with Asperger autistic children. Lucky for me, my mom ALSO works with Asperger autistic children, thus making me a psuedo-expert on the matter. (Basically Asperger autistic children are the Rainmen of the autistic spectrum, so they have autism but they also have superpowers.)

So, I adroitly reply, “Oh man, so you, like, work with X-Men…”

Since the popularity of the X-Men movie made my ridiculous metaphor clear, she replied, “Yeah, I got this one kid with super reading ability. He can like read a newspaper in like a few minutes.”

Me: “That’s awesome! If you have to pick one X-Men power to have, what would it be?”

As she looked at me, unsure as to how to answer, some random kid I never met cackled with approbation and exclaimed, “This kid is great! Hilarious!”

Not letting this opportunity slip away, I cavalierly responded, “Well, that’s my superpower. I make hilarious jokes about autistic kids.”

Everyone erupted in laughter soaked and saturated in drunken revelry until Sister’s boyfriend (who I think was Hulk Hogan with a pink, popped-collar shirt) came swooping in, crossing his arms luminously over Sister’s head, as he said, “Let’s go hun. We gotta plan some moves.” I, still having Super Mario star power, just smiled and waved buy-bye.

When Hulk is gone, she’ll want my X-Powers of hilarity.

Then, I went to the bar, got embarrassingly drunk, walked home, and, on that walk home, when I went to go pee in an alley, found a 5-dollar bill!

It was a super-night!